So I am a dad! It’s still a shock to hear myself say that. I wonder…can I call myself that now or do I have to wait until the bun is out of the oven?
I’m a Dad. Correct or not… call me Daddy.
Now, what do I do?
I lapse into thought and remembrance all the time, thinking back to what my father taught me on his road map through fatherhood. I used to sleep in the small of his back, he taught me gear shifting on the way to swimming, and he let me watch almost every single movie on TV. My love of film is 100% his fault. I played hockey, was involved in swimming, Karate, soccer and so many other activities that I cannot even remember. I didn’t get everything I wanted but got almost everything I needed. That part scares me.
I have lived a very selfish life up to this point. I’ve done what I wanted and never really thought about who it affected but me —that sounds bad… I’m a very nice guy and I do consider the thoughts and feelings of others, but I would go skiing for 2 days on a moments notice or take off to Victoria for the weekend; just lose a day in video games or relaxing at the beach. The mountain of fond, selfish memories is enormous.
I’ve had many friends with children who’ve spoken of the joys, laughs and excitement that children have brought into their lives, but it was always their lives. I will admit that I was jealous of what they seemed to have or what I didn’t —and then when I woke up at noon and I seemed not to care so much.
I am now living in borrowed thoughts of what life could be and memories of what was, torn between both. I guess I don’t like change but it can’t stay 1983 for forever and my dad didn’t just buy me Thriller.
Oh God, what kind of shitty music is my child going to like? What “Make It Good” button pop star is going to melt his brain? Why am I thinking about this stuff? Shouldn’t I be thinking of college or whether my child will have breathable air by the time he is 20? I really need to change the world. Hey, maybe I can make a deal with Mommy. You change all the diapers and I’ll go change the world… sound good? I’ll take the flying shoe as a NO!
I have been inundated with congratulations and well-wishes, but what really raises an eyebrow are those who say I will be an amazing dad. Whatever self-doubt I might have, others do not seem to share those feelings. It’s a fun place where I feel the need to change in order to be the dad I believe I need to be and others feel I’m already there.
And I know that self-doubt is nothing new. Every man, woman, and child feels doubt in one form or another… but this is my doubt and its special! It’s got glitter and sparkles and it’s mine. And it’s not about me… it’s about little Darth Vader (that’s the name we are currently using). What if I really screw him up? Every serial killer had a dad. Please be famous for other things Darth… like long jump or bowling. Bowling???
My thought process is really out of whack. I told a friend that at any given time my thoughts run from my son at the World Series pitching a perfect game, to asking where the farm is that Rolo the family dog went to.
My friend smiled and said, “Welcome to fatherhood.” I don’t know if that gives me comfort or if I should be pissed!
Just don’t let me screw up this little miracle… and if there is a little magic left over please don’t let the next Star Wars movies suck.
I’ve got to watch them with my son, like my father before me.