So I just found out I have C Diff. Which I got from taking 2 broad-spectrum antibiotics for 7 days. Which I had to take because of an infection. Which I got from the D&C, which I had because of my missed miscarriage…And the green grass grows all around..
In other news, I’ve decided that Dominos suck. Incredibly, not the pizza place -my standards for pizza are actually pretty low provided there’s an abundant amount of cheese used – I’m talking about the game. Remember when you used to play with a box of Dominos? I’d try and make elaborate patterns that would fan out beautifully. I loved the pleasant sound of the fake ivory smacking together as the design I’d laid out became something totally different in its own wake. I’d wonder how to set things up so they triggered each other properly. I hated it when halfway through, one Domino just stayed there unmoved. I’d glare at it, willing it to fall with my eyes. I wanted to resist the urge to flick it with my finger. I wanted it to be part of the chain reaction. It was like somehow when the last tile fell without my interference, everything would be ok.
The thing is, I didn’t set up this game. Or did I? Regardless, I am not even sure what I want to happen. Do I crave the tiles to keep falling so this strange sequence can run its course and be done? How will it end? What’s next? Or do I want to finally enjoy the quiet stillness of being that tile that just stands there, stopped. Do I have the power to make this all stop? To put an end to my Frank Grimes juju and move on?
I can’t seem to stop the stream of philosophical musings in my head. I feel a bit like a code-breaker from the Second World War. Like maybe if I see the pattern, or understand the rules of the game, that I can break it before anything else happens, expose the plans, and save the day.
But what if I’m not meant to break the pattern? What if the real purpose of all this is to just go through it? Experience it? What if this time in my life is one of those glorious intersections of epiphany that is somehow making me who I am?
I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew why things happen the way they do. I wish I knew with absolute certainty that this is all part of a big master plan. For that matter, I wish I knew how it is remotely possible that Snooki is a New York Times bestselling writer. There are a lot of things that seem to escape me.
I guess the only thing I can take away from this right now, is that regardless of who sets it up, and how the tiles fall, that’s what they’re meant to do, and they reveal something completely different to us as they topple over.
Maybe that’s what falling is all about.